ONLY twenty things?

I suppose I will have to choose carefully.

Mrs. Sarah has included me in an elite group and requested that I list the top twenty annoyances in my life. Little does she know that “bitch” was once part of a nickname I had.
Damn straight. And proud of it.

Back to everything I hate:

1. Don’t line up to board the aircraft until your row number is called.

2. Don’t tailgate me. Corollary: Don’t sit in the left lane if your ass ain’t passing (and I don’t mean gas).

3. Don’t ask me to attend a meeting where I can contribute nothing, especially since I am leaving the next day. Don’t be surprised if I blow you off entirely.

4. Don’t walk more than two abreast on a city sidewalk.

5. Stand to the right, walk to the left. It works on the DC Metro, why can’t it work on the NYC subway?

6. Don’t gaze skyward at all the tall buildings while I am trying to get to work.

7. Don’t prevent me from merging onto the exit ramp. You will hit my rear end, and you will be cited.

8. If I send you an e-mail, read it. If I assign you an action item, do it.

9. Don’t make me round up your ass for a meeting. I’m not your babysitter.

10. Don’t ask me if my husband makes enough money so that I can stay home. It’s none of your business.

11. Don’t ask me if my pregnancy was planned. It’s also none of your business.

12. Don’t act as if my decision to leave my job and stay home with my kids makes me a saint. It doesn’t.

13. Don’t question my morality based on my belief (or lack thereof) in a deity. Read Michael Shermer if you want an answer.

14. Don’t judge me based on my stance on a single issue or a single aspect of my history or personality. I don’t do that; if I don’t like you, it’s because there’s a whole bunch of stuff about you that I can’t stand.

15. Don’t be a hypocrite. Yes, we all contain multitudes, and we grow over time. I’m down with that. But be open to discussing possible inconsistencies in your views. I am – it’s how I learn from others.

16. Don’t lie to me. I’m not fragile, and I’ll respect you so much more if you just give me the straight scoop.

17. Don’t use me. I’m not stupid. I can smell your agenda MILES away.

18. Don’t pretend you’re something you’re not. I love people who are what they are.

19. Do NOT hurt my children or my husband. You have no idea how much you will regret it.

20. More than anything else, I hate people who prey upon the innocence or naivete of others, particularly children and the elderly. They are scum and should swim with the fishes.

Oy. That was cathartic. Really, I’m a nice person. Most of the time.

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