I have been neglecting my blog, for many reasons. One because I have so much to write about and I don’t know where to start. All the feelings, emotions and knowing where to start and finish. Not knowing if I could make it through a post without falling over blurbing like a total, complete idiot.
Not blogging gives you plenty of time to look at other peoples blogs, see what they are writing about. The confessions. The Joy and The Sorrows. I laughed. I cried. I felt every possible emotion that you could feel.
I have been reading a lot of letters to your heart posts. I have started a few letters to my heart and they all come out sad and pathetic. And I knew my heart deserved more then that. What my heart has gone through lately it deserves a lot.
The post that brought me here to this point was from a new blogger friend over at Jakezilla. A post on paranoia. She said exactly what I wanted to say and was afraid to. And to say I am paranoid is an understatement.
It is something I have been trying to get out. Trying so hard to blog about, without sounding pathetic. I hate for people to feel sorry for me. A pat on the shoulder. A nod of the head would almost seem condescending. I don’t want it. All I want is to feel better.
All my life I have been a “worst-case-scenario girl.” If something comes up I thing of what could happen and my mind goes to the worst. I sometimes would have a panic attack. I worked through it and moved on. It was all good.
And all of a sudden I couldn’t work through it. Everyday my heart explodes and my whole body hurts. My mind goes to places it should never go. A simple trek to the store takes hours. A trip away from the kids is debilitating. I can’t move, my hands and arms go numb. The night only opens up into an endless abyss of worry and nightmares. With my eyes wide open.
I am scared.
I have cried to the ones I love.
And now in two days time I will go to the doctor and start recovery.